Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i know i never will say thank you.

This is not an Indiana post. This is not a Brother Duck post. This is a life lesson post.
I have a lot on my mind. It started out innocuously enough:
I got an offline instant message from an old boyfriend. Said old boyfriend will be in town for two weeks and would i like to see him while he is here. I haven't seen him in a few years, so yes i would like to see him... BUT... Chris (that's the spouse for those of you not in the know) cant stand this particular ex. He likes every single one of my friends and ex's EXCEPT this one.
This ex he detests.
So, this devolved into a discussion of history and my past and my "feelings". Those who know me KNOW i HATE discussing my feelings. I detest sloppy mushy stuff. There in lies another problem. You see, the spouse brings up a totally off topic point. This post is about that point:

I have another old friend who is coming to town in December (you know who you are). Chris wants to meet this old friend because he has heard many, many old tales from Melody (my best friend... Since Teresa dissolved into the mist many moons ago) and myself about the good old days. This December-visiting friend has always been kind and funny on his own blog, polite and ironic when commenting on ours. We were talking about what this old friend meant to me. I told my husband all kinds of funny things: the time my friends parents told me they thought i was a vampire, the apple tree around the corner from my house, the time we all got drunk at a party and he crawled home through the snow (leaving my other friends and i to frantically check the lake for cracks, hoping he didn't fall in, since he didn't tell anyone he was going home), me choosing this friend FIRST when we played football even though this friend couldn't play to save his own life, me choosing this friend LAST when we played football because he couldn't play to save his own life, how the friend's parents grounded him from ME as punishment for everything, about the time the friend scored an against all odds touchdown in the next block, and how we would sit on the phone together from 11pm to 3am saying nothing... Just being there. I told my husband that without this friend i wouldn't have made it. No way would i have lived through my life without my friend. I told my husband that i was about the (curse word alert) Shity-est person in the world because when it came down to it, i wasn't a friend to my friend. When it came down to it, i hurt him, i used him, i treated him like shit, and i never ever once said thank you, not ever. i probably never will. Years ago, instead of being a self absorbed, self centered, (curse word alert #2) bitch, i should have told that friend, "Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for always being there for me no matter how bad things got. Thank you for holding my hand when i needed it and holding my hair when i drank too much. Thank you for sitting quietly on the other end of the phone when i couldn't say anything. Thank you for living the bad years with me. Thank you for being you, because without you, i wouldn't have made it." I never will tell him thank you. Even now, as i write this, i say i "should have" but i never did. And now, the years have passed, the friendship has waned, lost over time.

I want to see them both when they come to town. The ex, because once i cared, and i am curious, but no loss if i don't see him. The friend, because maybe this time i will tell him thank you. Maybe this time i will tell him I'm sorry. Probably this time i will just buy him coffee, talk about old times, i wont say thank you, i wont say I'm sorry, and i will walk away feeling lousy and he will walk away feeling smug, and we will see each other again in 3 or 4 years and i will again have another chance that i wont take.


Eliyahu ben Avraham vaSarah said...

Well, if you ask me.. (you didn't, but if you did).. If your friend is any kind of friend, he'll read what you've written here.. be very touched by how fondly you remember the "good old days" and by your very public confesion here and not force you to actually say "thank you" to his face, understanding why that may be more difficult that it might seem to an outsider. If he's any kind of friend he'll just smile after reading this and say, "you're welcome." So when you do meet again yo can have a coffee, BS about the old days and not be burdened by this obligation you feel anymore. If he's a real friend. Just my 2 cents.

BTW: You're very welcome. I never wanted nor expected a "thank you," that's not why I did any of the things I did. But its still nice to "hear."

And for the record, I did not crawl through the snow. I walked (ok, stumbled) home that night! :)

David said...

flicker is out of place and rampaging over this post, tell it to get back in the side bar where it belongs!