Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Cut, Crop, Chop...

I am very self aware of my appearance. I was something of an ugly duckling when I was young, always struggling with self esteem issues and in the shadow of a "Pioneer Picnic Queen" sister. When I came into my own, during my twenties I wore a size 6 pant, bleached my hair into light shades of red and dark shades of blond, wore flashy jewelry, drank heavily and was admired my many a fellow. Then the unthinkable happened. I got FAT. I don't mean I put on a few pounds. I don't even mean I put on twenty pounds. I couldn't fit one BUTT CHECK into my old jeans now, even if I greased up and used a shoe horn. One thing I had never been in my life was a fat girl... It was hard enough being less than a beauty in an era when beauty was all that mattered, when substance (a mind, opinions, and a personality) was less than nothing, but to have been fat also... A fate worse than death. So, now I am a rapidly aging, mostly unattractive, fat woman. Thank Gawd I am married to a guy who is not only blind without his glasses, but blinded by love. So, I cut myself out of the picture above before posting, and I continue to exercise... And I work on accepting my changed reality, everyday.

6 comments:

'eliyahu ben 'avraham said...

I must disagree.. you were NEVER an ugly duckling.

But I can relate to the self-asteem issues, especially about my appearance. Its only been in the last couple years that I've really started to deal with my low self-asteem (Would you be suprised that it got worse AFTER you and I stopped hanging out... One psycho-bitch girlfriend can do LOADS of damage...) Fortunately, I've found a signifigant other who actually helps my self-asteem and talked me into therapy. I was initially against the idea, but am very glad now that I went. Especially since I was diagnosed as being chronically depressed.

But enough about MY mental health issues *L*

Darcy said...

Look inward and work outward. Healing is always from the inside out. You are a smart young woman. You will figure it all out and do what you need to to get a grip on the weight issue.You are certainly NOT ALONE in this world. Millions have some sort of issue to deal with. Good Luck!!!!

Anonymous said...

you know i love you no matter what
-c

Arica Meston-Kelley said...

Hello Love!

Remember I was the skinny pretty gal whom all the guys looked at? I know I drove you absolutely insane because I got all the attention from the guys, even the ones you liked...And Im sorry...It made me an attention whore indeed. But then I got pregnant at the ripe age of 27 and shortly after childbirth realized I couldnt drop the extra 60 pounds...I struggled too just like you did hon, and this is what I will tell you..Exercise to maintain you are healthy, but dont do it to just lose the weight. Why? Because getting fat was God's way of teaching me to bring out the real me, the person who can make anyone laugh, comfort people with honest heart and soul and to just be myself. I always hid behind the skinny girl, and with the fat girl I developed a life of my own.

I Love You.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Yes indeed...I am having a hard time with that image I see in the mirror...OLD & HEAVY!!! Trying to make peace with it, but....it ain't easy.