Monday, May 15, 2006

Mother's Day Apology:

You may have noticed that I did not post yesterday. I love my mom, and she deserves a great mother's day post, but it took me longer than one day to come up with something to say. I still don't know how to express in words how much I value my mother. Sure, there's the thing about giving me life, but there's so much more.

My mom taught me so many lessons about life, she probably doesn't even know the half of it! She gave me not just her love, but the lesson of loving life, loving music, loving family and nature. She, in her special way, gave me knowledge of God. So many lessons I didn't bother to appreciate until I matured. She taught me to forgive. She taught me my abc's. She taught me that it is ok to be me. She taught me the beauty of flowers in a garden, and that sometimes hard work can be beautiful,too. She taught me to be a great mom to my children. She still teaches me lessons, every day.

So, here is the truth of this post. I owe my mom an apology. When I was a little girl my parents got divorced. I did not know my dad until I was older because my sister and I were "step-parent adopted". If you don't know what that means, its where the biological parent (in this case my father) signs over their rights and the step parent then goes to the courts and petitions to adopt. So I didn't have visits or anything like that because my legal parent was now my moms new husband. As a teen I had the opportunity to meet my biological father once. It didn't go very well at all. So, moving forward: a couple of years ago I was dating a guy who's father was deceased and it got me to thinking... Here I have this perfectly good father out there somewhere and I don't speak to him because I am a snot, and here my boyfriend doesn't have a dad at all! So a little bit of catholic guilt and an internet search engine later, I phoned my biological father. We chatted on the phone weekly for almost three years before I finally met him and his family in the flesh. I thought everything was going great. I suddenly had several brothers a dad and even a new friend, in my dad's wife. My mom never, in my life, said bad things about my dad. She told me once, when I was a teenager and badgering her about it, that one day I could make up my own mind about my dad. That is all she ever said. So now, it was time for me to "make up my own mind". She never tried to stop me. Now, I wish she had, but she knew that I am the type of woman who has to figure it out for myself. I let myself be sucked in. I even stopped writing about my mom on my blog when "they" asked me too. (oh, your dad wont read his grandsons blog and therefore will miss out on Indy's daily life because your dad doesn't want to read about your mom) I tried to pretend that my mom didn't exist when I talked with them. I cant believe I listened to that crap. My mom didn't care when I wrote about my dad. She just read Indy's blog and was proud of her grandson and her daughter. She understood that I don't have separate lives, and it isn't healthy for someone in my position to cultivate secrets. I have one life, and you are either in it or out of it. No one is going to dictate to me that I have to put my mom (or any one else for that matter) "over there" in order for them to accept me. I don't give a DAMN what happened 25 years ago, and if he still does, that's too bad for him. So, my husband and I received letters from my "biological father". The slap at my marriage was intolerable. The slap at my older sons father was uncalled for. The idea that I was unkind to his wife was ludicrous, (I went out of my way to be kind and say good things about her and welcome her in to my family. In fact I have even posted about her Here ). But, what is unforgivable is his comments about my step father. Not only is his information inaccurate, it is mean hearted to the point of being down right evil. To point a fine point on it, with no beating around the bush... If my biological father can express any sympathy what so ever for any reason what so ever towards the man who repeatedly molested his daughter, well then that biological father can "Fuck right the Hell off". So, I am back to not having a father, but now it is my choice, and it is the right choice for my family.

In this my mom also taught me a valuable lesson. Sometimes, even when you don't want to, you have to let your children learn their own lessons the hard way. You have to give them the opportunity to decide some things for themselves. And no matter what they decide, you still love them.

So, I have no picture for today. I have just these words of apology for my mom. I am lucky to have you and to have Donnie and hopefully I learned a new lesson from all of this.


Eliyahu ben Avraham vaSarah said...

wow... I'm sorry to hear things went so bad with bio-Dad. But I have to say, I am very impressed with how you're handling the situation right now. I'm sure your Mom is very proud of you (I know I am)

Anonymous said...


I will stand behind you 100%.


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

That is quite a story Dak-Ind...How smart and thoughtful and loving of your Mom to give you the chance to discover for yourself just who your father turned out to be. I admire the journey you took and the conclusion you have come to and how wonderful that you have a mother this smart and knowing and caring.
Do give her my best, please.

cube said...

Sorry to hear about your troubles, but I think your Mom is very proud of you right now.

Jacob Wood said...

I am at college today and i was shocked. I have not told them yet but I have just a few things to say:
I have lived with my father way longer than you ever have known him and i know that he is not a liar or an evil person. The only evil person that i know is the one the flips out when they are told the other side of a story.
you have posted this about my dad on a blog that only portrays your side of a mistaken story.
my father is a great father and you have never heard the truth or at least accepted it.

why didn't your mother protect you from the man that molested you? she didn't, that doesn't sound very good to me.

you also wrote that you never was mean to my mother but me and a room full of people heard you drill my mother about your mom over the fourth of july.




Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. »

Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! » » »