Saturday, March 10, 2007

making sense of some things that dont make sense.

Ok, lets start small with this.

Collectively each bit of my life has made me who I am. Well, each bit has a "name". There is "that summer" which describes the whole of high school. Then came "the marriage". Next There are the "lost years" which describe a section of about 2+ years where i lived in Salem, drinking and carousing with abandon. There was the "Rich incident", which covers the following 4-5 years, at which point i moved to the city cleaned up (sort of) and joined the land of the useful members of society. The "David fiasco" followed that and finally, i have drifted into the "old and settled". Why is this important? because you wont understand the rest of this post without this knowledge.

That summer, i had a circle of friends who i could never have lived without. Even had one of them not been part of it, life would be radically different. I am now at peace with all of them, still friends and in some cases friends again. It's like having my heart returned to me, the missing pieces are all here. Yesterday I made arrangements to hit the tavern with the summer girls (with the solo guy from that summer still not in the state with us, we are the summer girls for now). Shortly before the settled spouse and I were to leave, the man from the marriage showed up with my fabulous number one son. We all hung out. Later we got to the Tavern and there was Starkweather, a huge player in the lost years telling me that i am going to miss Patrick's memorial (Patrick was THE player in the lost years). Now Nate was with us, who lived through the Rich incident and when i returned home to email (this) picture to Starkweather of Patrick (he will be taking this to the memorial and paying his respects for me) there was email in the in box from David... do you notice what i notice?

I had a fabulous time ALL DAY yesterday. I ran around with Jimmie and Duck, who are two of my very favorite people. I hung out with my high school friends, feeling how complete my life is with them in it. I chatted up David. I faced the lost years. My life really is complete, not just complete but continuous. Each bit, no matter how heinous it might have seemed at the time, has come full circle back to me to show me what a great life i do have. I have excellent friends whom i have known for ever, in some cases 20 years or more, I have a good man beside me, two of the best son's a woman could ever ask for who i am exceptionally proud of, and a generally great life.
So, sure sometimes i might think that this is the year of my discontent. Sometimes the weight of the losses oppress me. Sometimes i long for things that i don't have a right to ask for. Then, sometimes life happens to make me realize what a dumb ass i am.


OldHorsetailSnake said...

You are no dumb ass, Mother of Indy. You're a swell person, really.

'eliyahu ben 'avraham vaSarah said...

Sometimes making peace with our own past.. and the aspects of ourselves that the pieces of the past represent.. can be harder than making peace with other people. It makes me very happy to see you at peace with so much of your history. Its only been recently that I have been able to begin doing so myself. Only within the last 6 months or so that I've been able to look back on "that summer" and remember all the joy, fun and friendship that went along with the tragety, turmoil and pain. And I cannot describe the feeling I get knowing that our "summer gang" is coming back together.. I'm not sure I realised the vacuum left in my friends' absence until it began to be filled again this winter.

Save a seat for me at the Tavern, I'll be there soon :)

"the solo guy"

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OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

What an interesting post, my dear...I agree totally with Hoss....You are not a dumb ass, at all! They say, and I believe it is true, that we are the sum total of all our expereience....everything you have lived through is a part of you and makes you such a good Momma to Duck and Indy, and a wonderful wife to your husband....And a lovely interesting fine human being to all of us out here in the blogesphere....!

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